Sunday 28 October 2012

12 Stages of Drunkenness!

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an Army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra, partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Device fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out Arsenal's problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cigarette packet. Realise that everyone loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing figure.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatella.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Headache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say,"That's much better." Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minute before seeing out of order sign..

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four Barmen. Talked down by barmaid, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by someone. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realized you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

YOLO!!!

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